Well .... cough cough! Thanks to those of you who keep emailing me; asking me if i'm okay. To be honest, ever since my move to the Sunny Coast, I have been on a ride .... a rollercoaster ride ... not a fun one either.
I keep tripping, stumbling or stumping my toes. I feel like I keep going in circles, not finding the exit to creating a stable balanced contented life. In about 2 months time I will have been on my own with my girls for almost 2 years!! In some ways it feels like much longer, but in most ways it still feels like it just happened recently.
We are doing well :) We really are :) Sunshine Coast is treating us well and the lifestyle here reminds me of so many miracles and delights every single day! But sometimes little things make me hiccup. Last week around 6pm'ish I was sitting on my couch, I heard a car drive by and glanced out the window. I watched the car pull up to the house accross from us. I watched as the husband/dad got out of the car. Watched the front door fly open as his kids came running to meet him and saw as he walked up to his wife and gave her a kiss. I miss that .... so much ... I think there are some things in this situation you will never get around to being at peace with .... best to just not think about it and just keep on going ... but every so often I notice things that makes my heart ache, things that make me feel empty ... even though I am blessed in my life beyond belief. Sometimes little things make me loose balance and sometimes it takes me a while to get up again. I'm very hard on myself and when I struggle I get angry at myself for not coping better ... which doesn't really help in the long run cause all I do is manage to be dissapointed with myself when really i should be giving myself a bit of a break. I had a gorgeous friend recently remind me that sometimes it is okay to fall down, to stumble and to just stay there for a little while, to just let the aches soak in, to just feel. She shared this with me and I thought it was just beautiful :) So I fell, but .... I got up, and am soooooooooo looking forward to everything life has in store for me ... for us :) Life has been good lately, just gotta make sure it stays that way now :) Cause every day is a blessing and I want to make the most of it and be in the best place emotionally to enjoy everyday :) Anyways here is that little poem for anyone having a hard time, for whatever reason
It’s okay to fall apart.
You don’t have to know the answers.
All those pieces you’ve been holding for so long while you raced around your life looking for the last roll of scotch tape, go ahead, let them fall.
Let them fall.
Every last piece.
It’s okay to scramble.
You don’t have to be calm now.
All those plans you’ve been stringing together like a macaroni necklace in kindergarten–
every last one is beautiful, so beautiful, so go ahead.
Keep grabbing at everything you ever wanted and always feared you’d never have.
Every last beautiful dream.
It’s okay to hope against hope.
This is not a time to be reasonable or rational.
Run, run as fast as you can against the tide that is crashing down now.
When the last wave sweeps over you
and every hope has been dashed
You will still be here, right here
and you will not be sorry you tried to make all your sorrows disappear.
It’s okay to cry.
Even if you are a man. Even if you are a mother. Even if you feel each tear
as an accusation against your strength, your resolve, your natural equilibrium.
Cry in the car. Cry in the shower.
Cry in bed when no one is listening or looking.
Cry when you kiss the kids goodbye for school.
Cry when you do the dishes.
Berate yourself for not being able to get it together
and then cry anyway.
How else will you know you lived, if not for these tears
reminding you were not made of metal, wood or steel
after all?
It’s okay to be lost.
Throw away the map. Leave the keys in the car.
Get out and walk.
Forget about everything you ever knew.
Crumple up those directions and move now from memory
The memory of your heart
The memory of your breath
The memory of that one time you laughed so hard you cried
The memory of that one kiss, the one that left you longing
to be loved for ever and ever.
At the end of your unraveling,
you will look down and see your own feet
that have carried you so, so far
and you will decide for once that it is okay
to sit down
to rest
to hold out your hands
to lift up your head
to open your heart
to the possibility that you were never alone after all
not for one minute
That Love was right there
in her terrible silence
not quite sure how to say it so you would believe her
that you were a thing of rare beauty on the earth
That She still has your macaroni necklace
That She’s been following you around,
making maps of all the places you’ve been lost,
so you’d know how to get back when the time came
to put it all to rest.
Go ahead, be disappointed.
Nothing turned out how you hoped.
Sit under a tree and tell me the whole of it
and I won’t say a word.
I won’t say a single word.
This is the secret nobody knows.
All these days Love carried my heart in her heart.
I was her favorite, even as I cried,
and now I am sitting under her tree
listening to you
the way she listened to me
while I swore she was never ever there.
It’s okay to feel lonely.
At the end of your wanderings
when there is no more scotch tape
and you can’t find your macaroni necklace of dreams anywhere
your heart will trace an unpredictable path
to this place and you will have just enough courage
to let Love tell you the terrible beautiful truth
of how loved you were
and how even now, at the end of everything
it’s not too late.
ANYWAYS, now that you all now where I've been haha, let's move on to other topics :)
This little girl of mine is turning TWO in two weeks time. It blows me away how much she keeps changing and how fast she is learning. Her vocab is starting to broaden out, her favourite words must be 'Yea' and 'Mine'. Other words include, 'bottle', 'wata'(water), 'juice', 'car', 'raining', 'flowa'(flower), 'huggie', 'bye', 'hallo','doo-doos', 'toes, 'dog', 'cow', 'all fall down', 'ouchie', 'mum', 'katie', 'funny', 'see ya', 'bubba', 'toys', 'lily' ... i'll have to add more as i think of them haha. She is a proper stubborn two year old, she doesn't understand the concept of sharing or not being allowed to have something she very obviously NEEEEEDS. So tantrums we have, together with lots of tears, but overall she is an incredible sweet, love-a-bug, happy girl.
Just the other day we were blowing bubbles
And we were as happy as can be :)
But unfortunately mummy asked Lily to share, cause Katie wanted a turn blowing bubbles too
but in Lily's world everything is "MINE" and she told me 'MUMMY, MINE, MINE, MINE'
And the cying continued very loudly all the way through Katie's turn ... and then it was Lily's turn again .... so she was happy again.
That's life here by us, the extreme of extreme emotions of a 2 year old haha :) Lucky she is adorable!!!
That's the news from me, look out soon cause I actually have a layout to share with you all !!! So I'll update soon again, promise :) xx
